(no subject)
Mar. 21st, 2006 05:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
philrancidSo.
In looking through the old entries and tagging them, I have come to hold a mirror up to the experiences that have changed my life so dramatically. I have been reminded of the mindset that I had throughout that entire trying time, and I have realized something of the cyclic nature of my mind. I have also come to the realization that all trials, no matter how all-consuming, shrink through distance and time, to where you can actually tell yourself in wonder--how did I think that was so bad?
It was all a misery, a hard thing, but at the same time, it was easy, because all the hard decisions were made for me, based simply on those things I valued. So now, when hard things show up, i simply ask myself those same questions:
What do I want?
What can I actually acheive?
And I go from there. So, I guess, in a way, I have become more of a ruthless and terrible creature. Or perhaps it's simply that I am a more straightforward person. Direct. I know i am tired of being held back and fucked with by other people, but life, and the acheiving of one's desires, is like trying to get out of the mosh pit once you're tired. The hardest part of the song has just hit, and all you can do is try to keep your feet, bash your way through the middle, and pick your footing as best you can.
Sometimes.
Another thing is that I have realized that, just as all the stress and external direction was stifling was hellish, I had every excuse to take time for myself and decompress.
Now that I am re-establishing myself, and trying to work towards my goals, I find that I still suffer from the same motivational problems that I once was prey to. The aggravation is still the same in this town, the stresses and horseshit begging I have to do just to get myself through a week, or a month, of free life, are the same as they were while I was in the shelter, but this time the direction has to come from me, and the duties, once I'm home and the work has ended for another day, are mine to complete or not, as I choose fit. And because the things I choose to do, things to further my futuree and my aspirations, aree more esoteric, they tend to be hard as fuck.
And so I tend to put them off.
Hell, the struggle just to voice these thoughts may be another way of delaying.
God knows, the six open Word windows haven't been worked with for a half-hour now.
So, fuck it. Back to another attempt at work.
In looking through the old entries and tagging them, I have come to hold a mirror up to the experiences that have changed my life so dramatically. I have been reminded of the mindset that I had throughout that entire trying time, and I have realized something of the cyclic nature of my mind. I have also come to the realization that all trials, no matter how all-consuming, shrink through distance and time, to where you can actually tell yourself in wonder--how did I think that was so bad?
It was all a misery, a hard thing, but at the same time, it was easy, because all the hard decisions were made for me, based simply on those things I valued. So now, when hard things show up, i simply ask myself those same questions:
What do I want?
What can I actually acheive?
And I go from there. So, I guess, in a way, I have become more of a ruthless and terrible creature. Or perhaps it's simply that I am a more straightforward person. Direct. I know i am tired of being held back and fucked with by other people, but life, and the acheiving of one's desires, is like trying to get out of the mosh pit once you're tired. The hardest part of the song has just hit, and all you can do is try to keep your feet, bash your way through the middle, and pick your footing as best you can.
Sometimes.
Another thing is that I have realized that, just as all the stress and external direction was stifling was hellish, I had every excuse to take time for myself and decompress.
Now that I am re-establishing myself, and trying to work towards my goals, I find that I still suffer from the same motivational problems that I once was prey to. The aggravation is still the same in this town, the stresses and horseshit begging I have to do just to get myself through a week, or a month, of free life, are the same as they were while I was in the shelter, but this time the direction has to come from me, and the duties, once I'm home and the work has ended for another day, are mine to complete or not, as I choose fit. And because the things I choose to do, things to further my futuree and my aspirations, aree more esoteric, they tend to be hard as fuck.
And so I tend to put them off.
Hell, the struggle just to voice these thoughts may be another way of delaying.
God knows, the six open Word windows haven't been worked with for a half-hour now.
So, fuck it. Back to another attempt at work.
