philrancid: (potted hand)
I am still alive.

So take off those fucking party hats.

Got a new bunkie--he's the guy I may have mentioned, the one that threatened me a couple months back--we get along okay, actually. He Meant the apology.

I've been second-drafting my first book, but while at the bus stop, I discovered great many chunks of the follow-up had birthed themselves: like Render, having finally cornered one of the Wolf tribe, stands screaming in the midst of the forest. Lightning flashes through the windy vortex; trees are snapped in half, trunks fly through the air in a circle around him, as his flesh melts away, and he discards the guise of the hunter, Gilles DuCutty and resumes his old form. He absorbs the power of the Wolf's totem spirit, and the hobbling spell his Master placed on him shatters, its conditions fulfilled. Blades and spikes of bone erupt from his night-black skin, as the ties to his Master return. The unholy howling of the maelstrom in the Dark Forest is nothing as Render returns to his rightful place, and screams:

"I WAS FIRST! I WAS FIRST!! I!!"

Will probably have to start back writing on that one, and soon, before the scenes slip my mind.

Love ya, Mean It.

L

Help Wanted

Sep. 6th, 2003 08:40 am
philrancid: (potted hand)
Needed: One minion. Will assist in evil overlord's ambitions to conquer the universe, or, barring that, at least get all the air in the room to hide under the desk.

Must be good at remembering inconsequential details, and at knowing which side the overlord wishes the minion to stand by. Minion Feng Shui a plus, as the proper placement of an attentively waiting minion has been shown in recent studies to increase the power, productivity, and overall sex appeal of Evil Overlords by up to sixty-nine percent.

Must be good at reading body language, and the perfect applicant will have good reflexes, an ample supply of destructive devices in red velvet-lined cases, and will always supply the proper scapegoats for the venting of overlord ire.

Good health plan. Benefits include: profit-sharing, time shares in exotic private locations, and the freedom to "do what you will" with attractive member's of the evil overlord's opposition.

Please send 8x10, and must have clean bill of health.
philrancid: (Default)
So there I was, just had got the last of the kids down the well, and was about to slap the cap on it, when over rushes the fucking neighbor's wife, her hands all flapping around, going, "You can't do that! You can't!" So I said to her, "Why the fuck not?" To which she replied, "Didn't you see that movie?"

Dumb bitch. Like I watch movies...

So I told her no, and would she get on with the damn point, and she tells me she'll have to show me, instead. I go over to her place, curious to figure out just what sort of horseshit she's been smoking. She pops out this movie, and there's this horrible little girl ghost giving people all sorts of horrors and vapors, and in the end she comes out of a TV, and she can make people look like my first wife just by getting near 'em. The neighbor's wife was jumping and jerking like some maniac was at her stick, and in the end, she looks at me and says, all serious, "You see now why you can't drop your kids down the well to die?" To which I responded:

"There is no way in hell that that could happen here." And she goes, "But--," I cut her off.

"You stupid shit, you know damn well I ain't got no horses!"

...copied from the "Shards of Chaos" Testimonials Message Board

And now...

Aug. 5th, 2003 11:39 am
philrancid: (Default)
Happy Bits...starring America's favorite axe-murdering three-year-old!!
philrancid: (potted hand)
Nobody loves me
I get no replies
people take pliers
and tear out my eyes
And when I feel lonely
well it's no surprise
that rabid fat weasels
eat off my thighs

-----
oooohhhhhhhhh--potato potato potato,
potato potato potato
potato potato potato
when you're plural Dan Quayle can't spell you
(to the tune of the Mexican hat dance music thing)
philrancid: (Default)
potato potato potato,
they ate my soul...
dunk-dunkle dunk-dunkle poo-poo
philrancid: (Default)
And so the tarpon were trying to gulp up my genitals, but I was a tugboat and so couldn't be harmed, but the captain was crazy and he ran around with his knickers on his head shouting about all the damned potatoes and I got scared.

November 2012

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